I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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