Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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