Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
