I accidentally burped into my bong.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
