I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
