Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
