I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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