Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
