The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
