I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
