R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
