Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
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