Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
