there's paper in my vomit.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
