I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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