there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
