Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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