omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
