I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
