dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
