I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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