I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
