Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
