I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
