i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
