Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
