if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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