You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
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Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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