Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
