She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
