While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
