I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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