its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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