She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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