if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
