I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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