i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
