How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
