I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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