And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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