I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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