we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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