someone get that fucking seahorse.
My cat gives me a boner
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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