Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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