just come out here and I will go home with you...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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