I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
