I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He did a backflip because drugs
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
