FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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