I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
