she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize