How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My penis needs a shock collar
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
