hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
