I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
